The building has changed.
The faces have not.
Going around the once-so-familiar place seemed so strange.
Yet the feeling of being back there again after 10years still stays the same.
Its been 10years.
A decade of not setting my foot on this ground.
Yet, I've never forgotten Pastor Charlie.
Nor all my friends, or rather brothers and sisters, who wept with me when my dad's funeral was held there.
Who celebrated with me when I did well in my 'O' Levels examination.
Who slept by my side when we were camping in these walls.
Who shared fun memories when we helped in the kitchen, preparing food for other members in Church.
Who shared tired moments when we were helpers in those kiddy camps.
I was THAT involved in this place...a long time ago...
A place I would rather be, than to stay in my so-called 'home'.
A place, where I could laugh and be happy.
Yes, 10 long years.
But the memories stay so freshed.
Every Sunday, my car drives pass this 'memory chest' as I head towards my in-laws' house.
I just had to look at the gates.
Recall the memories again.
Imagine the service and hymns sung behind the glass doors.
I missed them, the people, the memories, the songs, yet I don't have the courage to walk up to say "hi" when my sis and I went for the Christmas Concert on 23rd December.
The feeling was weird.
I used to be on stage.
I used to be a performer.
Now I'm on the audience bench.
It felt like an outcast.
But I enjoyed every moment of it, though my status was different.
Will I be back there again?
Maybe... maybe...
But I dare say, this is the Best Christmas Gift I've given to myself for the past decade.
Threw away all the excuses.
Threw away my pride.
Threw away my "what if(s)".
I made a choice that I didn't regret.
I went back to my 'memory chest'.... and I didn't regret...
5 comments:
putting the past behind you is like lifting the burden off your shoulder. it's a great PRESENT. :)
What a great present to yourself.
is this your new or alternate space?
Crazymumma,
yes, you can say so girl.
This is the place where I talk about everything, except Children or Parenting. I'm a woman and a wife and much more than just a mommy... *wink*
I can imagine that feeling of belonging to something so large. Was your present to yourself your allowing yourself to remember or did you really go? Allow yourself as much as you can bare, the return is always so much more.
Woman In a Window,
I have never stopped myself from remembering...
My present to myself is more like bringing myself (physically) TO FACE THE MEMORY...despite of all the potential questions (which I don't feel easy answering) that WILL come out from church members' mouths if they DID RECOGNIZE me and came up to me...
I guess, I was lucky, afterall, its more than a hundred people there and I'm not that kind who stands out in the crowd anyway...
so I left the place, untouched. Somehow, I like this ending...
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