Gone For Good!

Everyone has files in their head.
Some are often looked into, some are hardly flipped.

These files determine our daily decisions. We call them blueprint.

Blueprint is registered in our head through hearing, seeing and experiencing.

As I had mentioned in my previous post, my biggest reward is the removal of a stinky, moldy blueprint of mine.

For those of you who knew me from my very first blog > All About Your Child, would be very familiar with my strain relationship with my mother.
For those of you who don't, you can read 'My Story' or 'The highly commented Post'.

Having to find money for my mother was such a common 'chore', yet there was this ONE incident which I did not know was my stumbling block to achieving great wealth.

This happened when I was 13/14 years old....
My parents just had one of the biggest fight ever the night before, all because my mother has just hit her new all time high debt amount (then). Loansharks came and shamed my family.... Blah blah blah....

The next day, I could not concentrate in class. Tears just kept dripping down my cheeks the whole time. My English teacher, Miss T., requested to speak with me after school ended.
I told her nothing.
She persisted.
I could hold my tears no more.
I cried so hard, started to choke on my tears....
I let it all out....

"My mother borrowed money from the loansharks and my father is extremely unhappy with her. They had a terrible fight last night. He threatened to chase her out of the house if the money is not returned fast."

"How much is it?"

"$4,000"

"Ok. Don't worry. You take care. Don't think too much about it. Keep praying."

The next day after school, Miss T. wanted to see me again....

Passing me a thick envelope... "Here, take it. Its for you."

I opened it and saw $4,000 inside!!!!!
I had NEVER held so much money in my hands before.
They shook like crazy!!!
I pushed it back to her and said, "No, Miss T.. This is yours. We will find a way."

"No! I want you to have it. I don't want you to return. Its a gift for you. Exams are coming. I don't want to see you being affected by such things. Take! Give to your mother and settle the problem, so that everyone will have a piece of mind."

I was young.
Desperate.
Lost.
I took it
and ran home,
fearing that I may be robbed.

I handed my mother the money.
She was shocked.

I thought she was going to thank my teacher or me...
Instead she said, "Its NOT ENOUGH!"

*faint*

"How come?! You said $4,000!!" I snapped.

"I lied. I dare not tell your father the real amount. I fear that he would beat the hell out of me."

"So how much is IT??!!!" I almost wanted to slap her....

"$8,000." She confessed.

*faint*

My head was spinning like crazy.
Thousands of thoughts hit me all at once.
What am I going to tell Miss T.?
How am I going to find another $4,000?
Since, its not enough, I might as well return this $4,000 to Miss T.
Yet, paying half is better than not paying at all.
What will Papa say when he found out that its $8,000?
How?
What should I do now?
What's gonna happen?
............

It was during the last day of MMI, did I realise that THIS incident, which happened almost 2 decades ago, had been killing my financial health.....

Here's the explanation:

Because of this incident,
I am ashamed to face my teacher everyday.
I felt a sense of guilt towards her.
I felt indebted to her.
Because of this incident,
I disliked my mother even more.
I pitied myself for having a liar as a mother.
I blame the world for giving me a gambler as a mother.

Hence, in my money blueprint, the equation goes like this:
MONEY = Shame, Guilt, Indebted, Resentment, Pity, Lies, Injustice.

Thus, subconsciously, I would try to 'get rid' of my money through spending or literally giving away, so as NOT to be acquainted with shame, guilt, indebted, resentment, pity, lies and injustice.

Towards the end of the seminar, we did an exercise which COMPLETELY exorcised these unsupportive financial blueprints out of my mind.

The most beautiful part is, I had truly forgave my mother...

All these years, I blame her for giving me a bad childhood.
Which in fact, it was ME giving myself a bad childhood.

Nothing has meaning, except the meaning I give it. ~ T. Harv Eker

In life, EVERYTHING, is neutral; because there is ALWAYS 2 sides to a coin, a paper, a plank.
Its all a matter of which side are you looking at?

When one can TRULY bring himself or herself to see from the other person's point of view.
The world become a totally different place.
Neither side is right OR wrong.
Its just a difference of strong opinions....

Last weekend's MMI, I learned that MANY of my thoughts or belief systems actually BELONGED TO OTHERS. They are not necessarily mine. Because of what others say, do or experienced, does not mean I should be affected by it.

We have the power to CHOOSE to disassociate with them.
Its all a matter of choice.

*Grin*
Once the exercise was done, I felt as light as a feather.
Completely free from burden, from hatred, from shame.....
*Grin*

Thank you Harv....
Thank you....